I have done many things I was not supposed to in my life. I also did not do a lot of things I was supposed to.

I passed an exam I was not supposed to, and entered a school to study with a very competitive group of people. Everyone in the school, after 6 years, was supposed to go to university, and I did not go to university. I was not supposed to be able to manage myself overseas as a young 18 years old but I somehow did. I was not supposed to become a stunt actor but guess what I did. I was supposed to smile and nod and say yes to everything, but I learned to argue. I was supposed to be married to a highly educated man, but I made a decision never to get married. I was expected to love children, but I only found myself turn corners sharp to avoid meeting children. I was supposed to be confident but I lost interest. I was supposed to be oppressed but I learned to confront.

Each time I did something I was not expected to do, I grew. The more I did not do what I was supposed to do, I evolved. Metamorphosis only led to deformity at times, but it intrigues me how I never turned evil. I met some seriously crooked people along the way, but something always dragged me away from the scene, just in time. I do not know what it was. I feel it was the same thing as that which told me to go against the stream time and time again- something that told me to leave work and travel immediately after a promotion. It told me at times, it was fine to go along with the flow no matter how hard I had to work for. I’ve listened and followed many times as it was irresistible not to. Every time I thought I planned my future, I was tempted to leave. And so I happily followed the lead of I had the slightest idea what, or I just followed my nose to locate the next pot of luck. It might appear irresponsible. But I did grow responsible enough to follow my own path.


I don’t care for marriage. I am interested in the topic only enough to have considered and decided that I will not bother. Marriage was something I grew up ‘knowing’ that all adult human must do, and that I was relieved when I found another option in my youth- to be seen as a broken instrument by the majority and to continuously hear that question ‘did you have bad experience? from those ‘caring’ people through out my life- but at least I am in dignity with my soul, and that has been enough for me. I have trained myself to be strong enough to stand on my own feet, which according to many, something I should not be able to do. Sure it is tough at times just like anybody else’s life, but it is still easier than having to act incapable in order to satisfy a man’s ego.

Marriage equality has been a topic in Australia and many other places around the globe. It puzzles and confuses me. Here I am, having worked so hard to not marry while living in a society which makes unmarried women wrong. So when two adults who are in love and committed to each other do decide to file marriage, how could that then be wrong (and illegal! ) too, because they carry the same set of reproductive organs? You would be wronged by majority if you don’t marry, but you would still be wronged unless you marry a group of people who are approved by a minority of the society- and that never seem to make sense to me.

To me, there is a part of marriage which is and derives from custom, culture, and tradition- the same reason why Japan engage in Whaling, and that they permit culling of dolphins to this day. You marry, because we always have; that’s how and what it is to become an adult- not something you should even question. And there is this other part of marriage, whether formal or informal, which turns you magnetically attracted to another and keeps you giggly and fluffy for how long ever it lasts. People become so happy it is almost annoying to spend time with a friend in that state- though you congratulate their relationships because you celebrate joy too. And some of those people will decide to sign a piece of paper to promise each other that they will share their asset and responsibilities as well as love. We are supposed to use textbooks as our tools. When books take over our life, we always have innocent people who are made wrong.

Marriage equality debate, to me, is a given opportunity for all of us to stop and think about our own relationships. Am I with a person who I truly care about? Do I really know what love is? Because, if you knew the love I refer to, you could not possibly oppose same sex marriage. Love belong to that part of life where you cannot logistically control per human convenience. Trying to govern another’s love is probably as meaningless as trying to find a way to stop a compass from pointing north/ south. We should teach people what it is to love another soul if we want to see a peaceful world, because there is not a lot of people out there who can manage giggly and violent all in a sentence. We will hopefuly always have the rights not to marry, but I suspect that love from your heart cannot be and should never be questioned or prohibited by law.

Magic and Joy.

Magic of living after feudal system is this. That we are living alongside our kings and queens that we once served before, that they walk on the same ground as we do, dirtying their hands and feet, appreciating having hot water on a cold night, and that they need to eat and drink to sustain just like we do. It is not that those things make people more or less, nor us. But we realise that what we once envied is a part of us and that we were made of the same materials as those important people all the way along.

Struggle of living in a capitalist society after feudalism is this. That now we live among and alongside those previously important people, and became aware that they were not so different to any of us after all, we have created another kind of important people whom, often by the mere number of figures written on a piece of paper, seem to have attained power to right or wrong everyone else’s life.

Insanity of living according to the new lot of important people is this. That we became used to selling and buying those things that does not even exist yet, in the words of investment and future. What does exist before us, instead, is often overlooked in process of achievement, so people are found lost or swimming in the air, trying to cling to a sign of hope- while others are busy scattering to avoid being clung to.

Joy of being the odd ones in such new world is this. That we come across others who can see the struggles and insanity just like we can, those of whom is more than aware that we don’t have to live like that, and to realise that there is more of us than we initially accepted. We are the brick layers of the Light, who uses bricks that are real, and that can be laid using our own hands and knees. We can lay down roads and buildings, or we can build a raised garden bed. We can just sit and admire a brick. We have no need to prove ourselves. There is no need for a credit. We always have enough. And we are somewhat grateful, even in the middle of the Winter.

Sensitivity is intelligence

Sensitivity is intelligence. It is an intelligence to notice, receive information, detect, memorise, and learn. It is a gift.

In today’s real world, however, the sensitivity can be a source of problem.

There is too much information to take in; just mass amount of information streaming through;


isles of products at a local store,

stationary objects among moving vehicles and people everywhere,

people telling truth and lie all at the same time,

and this,

and that.

And we need to learn to discern.

We need to de-sensitise a little, to some of the things less appropriate to each of our lives. And so I found myself scratching my head and thinking… do I suppose to chose? What is in and what could be out?

Can somebody teach you? But they can’t teach you what you need for your life….only what they have learned in their own life; what has been useful for them.

And I realise how, the layered pie came in handy.

I cannot eat this pie, but it remind me that the mood of things helps us detect different information out of all; to sought what is important in life, because a different mood presents things of different qualities.

And so,

perhaps we could celebrate sensitivity without pathological analysis,

keeping that layered pie in mind,

and stick with the beautiful, happy, strong self.

There will be people who hate your strength.

But look,

I bet those people are facing the wrong slice of the pie,

and they could even have their head stuck in the pie,

and until they decide to make a turn in their own time,

it’s their problem that they don’t like your strength.

It’s like they cannot cope seeing the light within you, because they are the vampire….and you really should not have to dim the light to let them feed off your blood.

Let them sort it out.